Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Somwhere, somehow

Home Alone. On NYE, very likely tomorrow as well, with no plans for the entire week at all. Reflection Time.

And with 2013 ending in less than four hours, what better time to sit through and overthink when there is nothing else to do at home??

You know, like with every year, I just ask for simple happiness. Things like not having to lose any friends, being able to keep the people I love and treasure close at heart, and good health. A healthy GPA, a healthy bank account, slightly less simple things but nothing out of the ordinary like being a millionaire of striking the dean's list.

But, in 2013, I learnt life just never gives you what you want. The more you wish for it, the further it gets away from you. It's like a bad football player trying to stop a rolling ball with his feet (a.k.a me), the more you try to catch it with your legs, the further it rolls away from you, until someone else catches it for you.

I can't forget how January was like. I think it was shit. I never felt so weak before. Okay maybe that wasn't true but everytime something hits you hard, you start realising how strong you can be. I just locked myself up and studied hard. It was miserable, and I was in tears every other day, but somehow, results showed. And then I won't deny it, I got VERY complacent this sem. I just allowed myself to fall like this, and lost all the discipline and drive I had. And I MUST CHANGE THIS because my GPA simply cannot fall anymore.

I really want to work hard. I think it's really sad to always feel so alone, and really sad to always be so sad, and really sad to always have all these shitty thoughts running through your mind all the time. It sucks balls being depressed. I'm unhappy but I'm happy. And I feel like that's the only time I have nothing else to do but study. Really study...

I don't know but right now I just feel sad and everything. I don't know why. But I guess it's good and okay to feel this way. I'll just focus on studying hard..

Ya that is all. My only resolution now. And then health; I think health is always important. Wishing all my family and friends good health in 2014.

You realised I left happiness out. I just don't think I will ever be happy. I should learn how to, but sometimes, I rather much lock myself in all this sadness. I give up trying to be happy. It's just so difficult, too difficult. I pay a price so high for something I'll never get, what's the point?

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Night Walk

Tonight shall be a night I'll remember.

I had no idea how far I walked, but I took the wrong turn and didn't ended up at Bedok Reservior like I intended to. But the journey wasn't such a bad one either. Maybe instead of purging annually, I should make it a must to walk as crazy as this once a year, to release all the anger and hatred inside and make every other day I live a peaceful one.

I had so much thoughts and words then while walking, but I didn't pen them down and I kinda lost the mood to type them all out already, so I'll just share five interesting things I saw/experienced tonight:

#1 The highway in no way links to the overhead bridges above the highway because it's separated by a huge canal (presumably so no crazy souls end up walking along the highway for fun), so once you're on the roads, you are just left with the cars.

#2 Half the drivers, especially motorists, thought I was crazy/suicidal and were all shouting at me or maybe I will appear on STOMP tomorrow without even knowing it. I'll admit, it was pretty scary though.

#3 I felt so sad seeing a cat just lying along the side of the highway, and even sadder that it had an owner that abandoned him/her. :(

#4 I saw an auntie walking home with all the 7th month prayer items (I presume she came from ubi/Bedok Reservoir) but wow, at 1am in the morning it's so rare to see the elderly awake and out!

#5 I walked a giant big circle, so now I feel complete but I'm back to square one.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Clarity



 High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
 Fight fear for the selfish pain it was worth it every time
 Hold still right before we crash, cause we both know how this ends
 A clock ticks 'till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didnt need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I dont know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade, and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave, cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull, then I'll push too deep and Ill fall right back to you

Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didnt need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I dont know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Why are you my clarity?
Why are you my remedy?
Why are you my clarity?
Why are you my remedy?

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

I like the club version for its good electro mix but I somehow fell in love with the lyrics too.

Why are you my clarity? 
Why are you my remedy?

Monday, August 12, 2013

Thoughts

This place is almost dead.

Can't believe it's already almost 3/4 into 2013 and how fast time flew each and every year. Tomorrow I start my life in NTU as a Year 2 (I skipped today's crappy-waste-of-time introductory lecture for POM heh). It's magical how I've completed 1/3 of my university journey and how closely the real world is beckoning. Internships, networking, more complicated schoolwork, I'm so not ready for any of this shit :(

4 months is so long yet short. So much to learn, so much more to explore. Keeping my fingers crossed it'll all be good.

Rare last night I'm leisurely surfing the Net, don't ask me how my summer flew away just like that. It has been a good awesome break and looking forward to mugging hard and leading a more fulfilling life. I just have one more module to sort out and it's back to busy me again.

(Shall be back with pictures when I'm bored studying heh. Perks of living in the east away from the barren hall)

Monday, May 13, 2013

Pause and Rewind

One fine night, I really need to tell myself to stop replaying these memories. No matter when they came from, they will only remain as such - memories.

Summer has officially begun, one year in university has somehow flew by, but even as I always compared how things like were this time one year ago, I cannot say for sure if life has been better. I've learnt a lot, lost a lot, and these days, I'm beginning to realise that I can't tell my dreams and reality apart anymore. Not aspirations kind of dreams, but those 'strange' haunting recurring dreams that have been replaying for since as long as I could remember. To be more accurate, lots of flashbacks. A lot, a lot, a lot. Too many and too much.

Sometimes I tell myself to stop consciously thinking of all these, and just go to sleep. But in the unconsciousness realm I don't see how it gets any better. It turns more vivid each round, more detailed, until it becomes so synonymous with my reality I cannot seem to tell apart the days and nights, life and dreams anymore. Maybe I don't belong here at all. Maybe I belong somewhere else, somewhere in between, somewhere out, somewhere apart.

Can I find it?




And on a less emo side note, same problems crop up every holiday. Lack of cash, endless wants, and a lack of meaningful direction to spend my holidays. Definitely not growing any younger, and I really want to make full use of my summer. In fact, considering the hectic NBS schedule, this is like my only summer before I graduate.

I love travelling, and I hope to be able to, but financial constraints are really a bitch and not forgetting all the overprotective people around me who will never ever let me venture alone overseas. Looking forward to Taiwan so much cos I can't help foreseeing it to be the only happy thing I'll ever have, but yet not at the same time, because at least when I'm looking forward, I have something to hold on to. But once it's over, it's gone, and all that's left will be memories - so bittersweet they are turning into a sharper double-edged sword as time goes.

Sometimes I really don't know how long I can hold on to these nights. With alcohol you forget some; but you remember some again, just like my dreams, just like anything else.

Is there a way to end this once and for all? Or does the answer for this search lies only in .....
Hoping now, because that'll be another one more round of sitting on the fence, with the balance tipping over everyday towards the unthinkable.

I really still lack this courage; so maybe that's why I admire those who dare to commit suicide. You can say it's sad, but truth is that, it really takes a lot of courage you and I may never have in this life.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Let go and Be Free.

"People come and go; but it's all a test because people who are meant to stay will always stay"

In a spate of 10 weeks (time always flies), so many things have happened. 2013 has started off...so....with many lessons I would just say. I'm glad in a way, because I know I grow out stronger from it everytime after it is over. The pain never stops lingering, but it fades, and gets constantly overshadowed by the better things that eventually come in life.

Barely a month left to the countdown of my first paper, and to my horror, I realised I've somehow (going to) survived one freaking year in uni already. Unbelievable

GPA 4.5 pleaseeee I want to graduate with a second upper at least :(


Thursday, January 24, 2013

I don't dare to speak so much and be sure of many things anymore, but I know it's a tough month, and it will just get harder everyday. Quite depressing that 2013 has to start like this.

Actually, by now, I ought to be used to it already right? This life of mine; this heart of mine; has been through so much that I'm getting increasingly immune to everything around me. Strangely, I'm not as affected as I would have been in the past. Like one night of sadness cus I'm only human, and I can move on actually.

I'm not dumb, I merely choose to believe the best in people and tell myself I'm one step ahead when I am able to get out of the game. No point, really no point. There are far better things to be done and I think it has really come to the stage where I'm learning more of what matters. I should be happy in fact. I think it has been a good year, all I need is to keep up the momentum and let it go on. As long as I'm happy, nobody has the right to say otherwise.

In the past, I used to believe that the best way to handle everything was really steel your emotions so rock hard nothing would matter to you anymore. It worked...., but at a price. When you build those walls around your heart to keep out the sadness, you keep out the happiness too. You miss the good and happy things in life because you are afraid to see. Rather, it's better to learn how to choose. You fall, but you'll emerge just stronger everyday and I'll be so thankful to everybody one day.

Twenty years, and I've lost track of how many similar incidents have occurred. what keeps it different is just the way I handle things, the way I've seen myself grown, and it's really a kind of bittersweet happiness I can never explain.

As always, extremely thankful for the friends that always stand by me and understand me so well and never stop believing in me. I'm so thankful, really so thankful and I love everyone so much (you all know who you are) ;)

 Time to really end all this. Tomorrow shall be a new and better day. I won't get affected anymore just because I'm stronger than this.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

New Year

Haven't blogged for so bloody long. No idea how bloggers always manage to maintain their blogs, I just can never find time for anything.

It is like so dead, simply because I'm already always on fb and twitter and instagram, I update my life enough already on social media. Too much in fact. I'm trying to cut it down because it is getting so distracting.

I know it has been really long since 2012 ended and in fact alot of things have happened.
I don't know, sometimes I really hate myself so bad I wonder why I still have friends and people continue being nice to me and love me when I am so bad.

I really want to be more independent and stop depending on people. Need to get myself together to prepare for the school term too.

Things must really change.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Two Weeks into November

I can't believe how near this spells the end of the semester, exams and so much final presentation preparations ongoing right now. I honestly feel quite screwed. Think I've gone abit overboard with the slacking and I kinda regret skipping so many lectures and treating everything with the slack mentality now.

Anyway, I'm so sorry to all my friends' birthdays :( can't join y'all at clubs for any kind of celebrations, I feel bad turning down so many even if you keep asking me, but sigh, I really need to get my throttle on full speed already.

Pictures from KellyMolley's 21st birthday last Sat!


Splendid celebration @ Mayo Inn Hotel's roof terrace, Happy 21st to my pretty girlfriend!


Pics From Halloween....
Bitttersweet memories

Babygirls at Halloween

Even more backdated, pictures from KBBQ with PVS^^

Fighting with le kid hahaha

Trying to show le dimples

Celebrated Char's 21st too! :)

This picture so cute hahhahaa


BREAKEVEN eating bread with nutella in class one day hahahhas!!

Nike 10K SG run with gretel


Monday, October 29, 2012

Downfall

I think this weekend has been a really major learning point for me.

Taking a step back, I think I know the reason why I don't care. I really want to block out all the sadness by making it not a case of my concern anymore. The passerby effect is so scary. Things can happen right before your eyes but you can just sit and listen without feeling anything. And these are the people I ought to be close with I'm talking about. Never knew how detached I felt towards the entire family till today.

I think I just suck at caring in general, and even to people. I can never love enough.
Mad screwed up world really..

But I keep letting it all go, and keep telling myself I'll grow stronger - but how much stronger can I really be by just ignoring the world around me?

"You build up walls around to keep the sadness away, but just as much, you keep the happiness away too."

Or maybe I'll just sacrifice being happy in this lifetime, and then just focus on shoving away what's bad....I'll live, I figure.

Lifestyle change. Really how? Start from where?

Shit week ahead really. School isn't helping. And I guessed you pretty much chose not to care anymore too. Lost my phone again. Cracked my new phone. Familyshit. Realtionshit. Schoolshit. Monkeywoe$$

Some kind of life I lead really. If I survive this week I thank God. ya I always say this and wth, I still live. I don't die enough to end this misery.

And really, that's the problem with this world. Too many grey areas.
I can't live a happy life without having shit happens here and there. I can't like someone without knowing they have flaws.
In the same way, there isn't a clear choice for escape either. You can't lead a truly sad life without feeling happy sometimes so you can't die. You can't hate someone enough to kill them because somehow, they'll still be good.

Fuck this, fuck all this. It has gotten so bad to the point I think if suicide was legit, it'll be a first on my option. How the hell did one bloody weekend spiral so bad. I don't think anything major enough has happened enough for me to consider suicide again.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Last Friday Night




Finally after an entire shit week, time to head out for party! #ootd #tgif #party



Did my nails with Nat, pretty pretty ^_^

Topshop sales was disappointing, but good in a way (Save $$$$$$)

&town was so badly crowded on a Friday night, everywhere was so packed even at 8pm there were mad insane queues for dinner :(
In the end we went to Blue Mountain Cafe for dinner, food wasnt too bad actually, and cheap (yay)




Wanted to head to filter but ended up at zirca again, and then mink for afterparty. Didn't enjoy the music at all but I'm thankful for the girls and Kenny! They made my night good after all. Company really matters!


Flapjacks at Dean & DeLuca at Orchard Central while collecting race pack, yummy yummy.
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And then it's Monday again -.-


Got so lazy this week but bye to my self declared two day week already, ponning lessons like crazy and I'm blogging while listening to last week's lecture and not trying to catch up at all. Finals in 40 days, fuck, just kill me. All that exam thought spoils mood.


Project meetings with the best to turn my Monday blues up.

OH and don't get me started on my marketing group. Sunday night was simply shit.

I can't believe tmr's wed already, mid-week is here, one more week is here, and then it's the weekends. Halloween @ Zouk next Sat, can't wait but I still dk what to wear?! >:( everything looks like porn to me what shit.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Self Stir


Most fail stir-shit person in PVS ever, I stir my own shit.
BUT okaylah this picture quite cute right?! HAHAHAHA.

And last warning on Facebook seriously, the privacy features suck ttm. Esp the bak chor mee supperclub thingy. Hmph :/
I had Remus complaining the whole morning I was chickenchopbakchormee and even Mark texted me to disturb me wthhhhhhh

Anyway like every other damn day I'm super unproductive and I have 8am lessons and I am still not bucking up and I know I'm so screwed :(

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Recess Week

The term 'recess week' or 'school holidays' for that matter is always a LIE.
Have I told you about I hate the way I study seriously? I hate how easily distracted I always get. Instead of doing my critical thinking I shop online. Instead of studying for stats or preparing for my biz op consultation I stalk Facebook and do everything else except what I'm supposed to do.
Marketing has got to be the worst shit ever, hate my group mates alot seriously but all I can do is to suck it up zzzzzz somebody save me >:(
Stats quiz resume tutorials critical thinking marketing plan all due on the same shit day, SOMEBODY SAVE ME :((


Monday - WSC Camp all the way
The games were honestly quite sian but I dont blame anyone. After the extreme rounds in NBS really everything feels that way to me.
And I think the most memorable highlight of it was just htht session at night with all erdingers, that's the best part of every chalet!


Tuesday - went back hall to ton overnight to rush through the hell of marketing just because my group mates suck so much. Okay but I'll not bitch about them here.


With Doreen tonning!

Wednesday - nearly died the entire career foundations, nothing really interesting except for steamboat that night I guess. Slept really early cus I wasn't feeling well while everyone went to party. Like, really everyone I knew seem to be at Zouk that night and I rejected tons of offers as well hahaha.

Thurs - Bowl Clan OG bbq!!! :) Pictures are still not up on fb yet, blaming pnp hahaha. But I looked damn cui also so whatever.

Fri - Joined Emily & Felix for some photoshoot in the morning. Hot stuff, it was quite fun actually!


Pick your side (Obviously the ANGEL right?!)


Discovered the lens flare quite by accident when I stood a little off the flash. But it was pretty ^_^


And then it was BBQ round 2 at xavier's place, but then those pictures are not up yet either :/

We cooked eggs benny hehehe!!! It was yummy no doubt, even if all I did was to toast the bread and fry the bacon #loser

Sat - Spent the entire morning bimbo-ing and dressing up for....a project meeting at smu hahaha god i really think girls can be so funny at times.


#ootd #tribal #girl #knit

Loved my entire outfit I put up in an instant of just boredom. Hehehe. :)

Oh and it was June's birthday so we had an impromptu dinner date at town! Really really love the boys, they're way too awesome for words to always be there to make me laugh so hard and forget every kind of worry.


I don't know why but I really liked this picture a lot actually.


Had our dinner at Senor taco @ CHIJMES :)



Fare was pretty decent, and the atmosphere was good considering it was Oktoberfest too! But I caught them playing oppa gangnam style and I'm like seriously.......


Next stop was nydc for desserts!!! =)


Mudpie oh why you look so delicious




We posed for shots....


But the guys beat us at it :(


so we copied them!!!!!!! HAHAHA

And we finally had our cake and ate it. Brian kept complaining cus his cake was all melting after all the photo taking hahaha

And the bill was really wtf. It somehow costed more than our dinner :O

Surprisingly Patrick uploaded this set really fast hahaha the one from his birthday took sooooo long!


♥ I really love happy group photos like this.


I chose a good Spongebob to accompany Patrick! :D

And there was NBS Dragonboating day before recess week, I sucked at it but it was surprisingly quite fun! Walked damn far to find the place though..




I made that for fengmee's bday hehhh


Joining DAC for pizzzzzaaa day


Trying to sell NBS Tees for $50 each x)



And we facejacked her while she went to bathe ;)


This was block supper.


And this was some random night partying at Zirca.

And and.
Horror week officially starts now.